The truth will set you free
by the.ghost.writer.girl
Summary: It's Remus Lupin's fifth year at Hogwarts and his friends James, Sirius and Peter, still don't know that he's a werewolf. Will he work up the courage to tell them the truth or will they discover it themselves? Will their reaction be a dream come true or a nightmare come to life? Told from Lupin's point of view. Rated T for language and self-harm. Remus/Sirius NO ROMANCE.
1. Chapter 1

I walked into the Gryffindor common room, exhausted from last night.

It had been another full moon last night and I had buried myself beneath old food to muffle my screams.

A bright fire was blazing in the fireplace and my three friends were crowded around, laughing loudly.

Sirius had Peter in a head-lock.

James was eating a sugar quill and looking on in amusement.

"You want out?" Sirius asked Peter, laughing like a maniac.

"Yes!" Peter squealed, trying to wriggle free. "Come on, let me go!"

"Let him, Sirius." James said, laughing.

Sirius complied and as he turned around to say something to James, he caught sight of me standing in front of the door.

"Remus." He said, the smile fading from his face.

I was always doing that to my friends.

They were so busy worrying about me that they couldn't enjoy themselves. A few times, James had asked me about where I go when I "disappear".

I always make up a new story to tell them, but they're never fully convinced.

It's getting to the point where I think I'm going to have to start telling them that I'm a secret agent and I get calls about places I need to stake-out for the night.

Of course they either wouldn't believe me, or knowing my friends, they'd believe me and want to come along.

I almost raised my hand to wave, but then I remembered that there were various cuts and bruises on my arms and sleeves were kind of loose.

So I spoke instead.

"Hey." I said, my voice raspy.

Sirius glanced down at his feet to make sure that he didn't trip over James, who had also turned around to stare at me.

Once Sirius confirmed that he wasn't going to trip over James, he walked toward me.

"Where were you?" He asked. "We looked for you in the library, but you weren't there."

I swallowed. "Yeah, I wasn't. I went for a walk around the Hogwarts grounds. Ended up walking all night."

"All night?" Peter asked, nervously fidgeting his hands.

Sirius regarded me with a suspicious expression on his face while James chuckled and said, "No bloody way."

I swallowed. "Yeah, I did."

"Really?" James asked, standing up. "You walked all night?"

"All night?" Sirius asked, his eyebrows raised and his arms crossed.

I nodded, feeling much smaller than I had moments before. "Yeah."

"Why?" Peter asked.

I shrugged. "I couldn't sleep."

"Yeah, but…all night mate? You couldn't sleep at all?" James asked.

I shrugged. "It happens sometimes."

"It seems to have gotten worse." Sirius commented.

"Yeah, maybe you should see Madam Pomfrey about this." James said.

"I'm sure she'd have something that'd fix you up." Peter said.

I opened my mouth but James started talking again.

"Remember that time we traded her skele-grow out for pumpkin juice and she spent an hour and a half waiting for Henry Morrison to grow back his left foot?" He asked, snickering.

Peter laughed, nudging him with his elbow.

Sirius was the only one who didn't join in in the laughter.

He was staring at me, his arms crossed and his eyebrows drawn down.

Like that, he looked downright menacing.

I shrank back a bit. "If you don't mind, I think I'm going to go upstairs and get started on my homework."

James was still grinning when he turned back to me.

"All right, see you in a little while." He said.

I started up the stairs and went into my bedroom, shutting the door behind me.

James, Sirius, Peter and I all shared a room with this other Gryffindor named Sheldon Denver.

There weren't many things that were secret between the five of us, since we shared a room and all.

But this one…this secret, was one I had to keep.

Even if not for their safety, but to keep them as my friends.

Pretty pathetic, right? The only way I can keep friends is to tell them lies and deceive them.

Sighing, I got my bag from the floor and settled into my mattress trying to figure out my Transfiguration homework.

I was always pretty bad at this subject. I usually got Lily Evans to help me.

She was a fifth year, like me, and sweet on James.

James liked her as well, and he was always urging me to 'tell Lily this' or 'tell Lily that' or sometimes, 'Did you ever mention to Lily that I _' fill in the blank.

It didn't really matter because I wasn't interested in Lily like that. So what did it matter if I helped the two of them get together or not.

Shaking my head free of all thoughts of my friends and of Lily, I started my homework.

Within a few minutes, I was so lost in my Transfiguration homework that I never heard the door open.

I looked up and saw Sirius standing there in front of the closed door. I hadn't heard him come in so I was startled to see him.

"I didn't you hear you come in." I said quietly, my heart thumping around inside my rib cage.

"I know." He replied and crossed his arms.

I took a deep breath. "What's up?"

Sirius didn't say anything.

He just narrowed his eyes and continued to stare at me.

I felt uncomfortable underneath his scrutinizing gaze, so I looked back down at my Transfiguration book.

"We need to talk." He said.

"Ok." I replied. "About what?"

"I think you know what." He said.

I looked up at him.

His arms were uncrossed now but he still looked absolutely miffed.

"No, I don't." I said.

My mind raced at warp speed trying to figure out what he was talking about.

Sirius shifted from foot to foot.

"I figured it out." He said.

My heart was pounding in my chest, my hands were cold and clammy.

"Figured what out?" I asked, my mouth dry.

My hands were underneath my text book, clutching my blanket.

"Why you disappear every month or so." He said.

I swallowed, a huge lump in my throat. I could barely ask, but I did.

"Why?" I croaked.

He took a deep breath. "You're being abused."


	2. Chapter 2

I didn't see that one coming. It totally came out of left field.

The blanket felt strange between my fingers so I slowly released it and brought my hands up to rest in my lap.

"What?" I asked, almost relieved.

He nodded. "Yeah. James and I realized that. You're being abused."

I almost laughed. "By who?"

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know. Could be your father, could be a teacher. Either way, once a month, you sneak off to see this abuser because you feel like you deserve it for whatever reason."

Now my heart was back to pounding.

I did feel like I deserved some sort of abuse because of the monster I became once a month, but no one was abusing me.

I did that to myself enough in the form of self-mutilation.

To be honest, I was glad he didn't guess that, because I would have puked.

"You don't have to be ashamed, Remus. We're your friends, no matter what." He said.

I swallowed and briefly considered telling him the truth.

Telling him what I am…and what I do to my body.

But I only considered it briefly.

After that brief lapse in judgment, I shook my head.

"No, Sirius. You're wrong, I'm not being abused."

"Really?" He asked, taking a step forward and leaning his hands against the railing of my foot-board.

I nodded. "Yes, really."

"Then roll up your sleeves." He commanded.

My heart started thumping again and my brain was going into full-on panic mode.

"What? Why?" I demanded, unconsciously shrinking further away from him.

Cold sweat ran down my back and I felt like there was a baseball in my stomach.

"To prove to me that you don't have any bruises or anything on your body." He stared at me, kind of challenging me.

I shook my head. "No."

"Why not?" He asked.

"Because I said not." I snapped, unconsciously tugging on the ends of my sleeves.

"Remus, we only want to help you." He said.

"I don't want help, Sirius. I don't need help." I said.

He took his hands off the railing of the footboard and walked over to the side of my bed.

Sirius sat down on the edge of my bed.

"See, that's the thing, Remus. You do need help and we want to help you."

I sighed and shook my head again, glancing back at down at my book.

"I have a lot of homework." I said.

"So?" He asked.

"So I don't have time for this." I said.

Before he could say anything else, I closed my Transfiguration book dropped it down into my bag. "I can't do this right now, Sirius."

He stared at me as I picked up my bag and stood up.

"I'm going to go downstairs." I said.

"Remus…" Sirius stood.

I shook my head. "I need to be alone."

He didn't say anything so I exited the room, shutting the door behind me.

Downstairs, I sat at a table in the Great Hall and started working on my homework.

I knew that in about two hours, lunch would appear across the four tables in the great hall.

Until then, I had almost the whole room to myself.

There were a few kids studying at various tables and a group of girls were in the corner, whispering loudly.

I finished my Transfiguration homework, and started on my essay for Potions class.

I was almost halfway done with it when dishes started appearing on the table.

I gathered up my books and dumped them into my book bag.

I dropped my book bag onto the floor beside me, and I started eating.

Although I'll never admit it, I was hoping that my friends didn't come down for lunch right away.

I wasn't in the mood to get hassled. And I know that my friends thought that they were helping me or whatever, but they weren't.

It just made me feel guilty for keeping the secret from them. It was pretty obvious that they would accept me if I just told them the truth.

But then again…anything could change their minds. And if they rejected me, I'd be alone again.

And I was so tired of being alone…

No one understood the struggle it was to be me. Not Dumbledore, not my parents…half the time, I didn't understand it either.

Sighing, I propped my chin up on my hand and stirred the food on my plate around.

After a few minutes of pushing the food around and taking small bites, I heard my friends just outside the closed doors.

They were laughing and joking about something.

The doors opened and the three of them walked in, still laughing and punching each other on the arm.

Other students were already in the hall, eating lunch and a lot of others were coming through the doors right behind my friends.

The three of them made their way over to the Gryffindor table and James and Sirius sat down on either side of me.

Peter sat down across from me.

"How are you doing, buddy?" James asked, shoving a roll into his mouth.

"Fine." I replied, giving a small shrug. "Why?"

"We're just worried about you." Sirius said.

My chin was still propped up on my hand.

I continued to stir my food around on my plate.

"You sure?" Peter asked.

I glanced up at him.

He looked nervous.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Dropping my gaze back down to my plate, I felt my sleeves slide upwards a little, so I quickly dropped my hand back to my lap and sat up straighter.

James picked up another roll as he swallowed the first one with a swig of pumpkin juice.

"You sure?" He asked.

I nodded. "Yeah." I continued stirring my food around my plate.

"Why aren't you eating?" Sirius asked.

I shrugged. "Guess I'm not hungry."

"You guess?" He asked.

I turned toward him and nodded. "Yeah, I guess."

"Why not?" James asked.

Sirius scoffed as I turned to James.

Before I could respond, Sirius spoke.

"Because he thinks that he deserves it for us finding out that he's being abused." He said.

I rolled my eyes and flicked my gaze back to him. "No, I'm just not hungry."

"So you admit it!" He said.

"Admit what?" I asked.

"That you're being abused." He said.

I gave a frustrated sigh. "No. Sirius, I'm not being abused."

James and Peter shared a look.

"Sirius, James and I did some talking. We don't think it's that either." Peter said.

Sirius glanced at the two of them. "Then what do you think it is?"

James cast a nervous glance my way before he spoke.

"We think…" He started, then paused.

I held my breath as I waited for his response.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I must give the deepest apologies to all of the readers/followers of this story. I could ramble on about how busy I've been - and I have, I promise!- with NaNoWriMo and everything but...honestly? I lost interest in this story. I felt like it wasn't really going anywhere. BUT, I've gotten a plot twist and now I know exactly where this story is going! Again, apologies for taking literally a century to update. Here's the newest chapter. Please let me know what you think! **

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James glanced at Peter again before he turned back to me.

"We think that you're training with someone." He said.

My mouth fell open. "What?"

Peter nodded. "It's ok, we're not mad."

"No, what are you guys talking about?" I asked.

"You're training with someone to get better at Defense against the Dark Arts." James added.

I shook my head, wondering how they'd come up with that one.

"I…guys, I'm not training with anyone." I told them.

Sirius raised an eyebrow and gave James a shove. "What the hell were you thinking? Remus training with someone…"

James shrugged. "It was Peter's idea."

Peter opened and closed his mouth, then gave a shrug. "Sorry. It was worth a shot."

Sirius rolled his eyes and turned back to me. "It's obvious that you're being abused."

I shook my head and took a drink of my pumpkin juice. "I'm not."

James shoved some food into his mouth. "Look, we're not trying to jump down your throat or anything. We're just worried about you."

I looked down at my plate as the guilt formed a knot in my stomach.

"Do you understand?" James asked.

I nodded, my eyes still on my food. "Yeah. I understand."

Conversation resumed, and I took a deep breath, grateful that James steered the conversation in another direction.

Sirius kept looking at me during the meal though.

I couldn't really eat with my friends staring at me so I eventually left the table, even though I was still hungry.

I went to the library instead and sat at a small table in the back, where I completed my potions homework.

After only a few short minutes, I looked up and I saw Sirius standing in front of the table, glaring at me.

I gasped and dropped my notebook onto the floor, my hands shaking.

"What are you doing? Trying to give me a heart attack?" I demanded.

He crossed his arms. "I know that something's going on with you."

"Great going Sherlock." I snapped. "Now how about you go solve another mystery, huh?"

He lowered his eyebrows. "Remus, I'm concerned for you. I don't know what's going on with you yet, but I know it's something."

"That's wonderful." I replied. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some more homework to do."

I grabbed my notebook from the floor and stood up from the table.

"You're always doing homework." Sirius pointed out.

"I know. It's what you do when you go to classes." I snapped.

He raised an eyebrow. "You're acting weird."

"Thanks." I replied and pushed past him headed for the privacy of the Hogwarts grounds.

It was Saturday, so there was a Hogsmeade trip planned.

I automatically figured that my friends were going, so I thought I'd stay home to get some peace and quiet.

But fate wouldn't have it that way because the first group of Hogsmeade students left, then the second and my friends went with neither.

Resigning myself to my fate, I went over to the lake and sat down.

I took off my socks and my shoes and I let my feet dangle into the cool water.

Leaning back, I closed my eyes and let the sun warm my skin.

I'm not sure how long I stayed like that, but I heard James call my name and he sounded far away.

Resisting the urge to groan, I sat up and grabbed my socks and shoes which were lying beside me.

My bag was still on my shoulder so I stood up and walked over to my friends in my bare feet.

By the time I'd gotten over to them, the heat from the ground had dried most of the moisture on my feet so I started to put my socks back on.

"What's up guys?" I asked.

"We're going over to Knockturn Alley. We wanted to know if you wanted to come with us." James said.

I glanced behind him as I put my shoes on. I could see Sirius and Peter talking.

"Why?" I asked, not even really caring that going to Knockturn Alley was forbidden to students.

"Because it's fun." James replied, finishing up a licorice wand. "You coming?"

"I don't know yet. You guys just missed the last group going out to Hogsmeade." I told him, standing up right after I finished tying my shoes.

"Yeah, we know. We waited on purpose." He replied.

I gave a shrug.

"So are you coming?" He asked.

If I didn't go, my friends would probably worry about me. But if I did go, Sirius would probably bug me.

With a final sigh, resigning myself to this, I nodded. "Yeah. Just let me put my bag in my room."

"Great." James replied and stepped out of my way so I could go into the castle.

I walked up the stairs to the Gryffindor common room and I stood in front of the fat lady painting.

I whispered this week's password.

"Remus!" Someone called.

I turned around to see Professor Slughorn waddling over to me.

I let the painting swing shut again as I waited for Slughorn to make his way over to me.

He gave me a grin and I returned it with a small smile.

"Have you seen Lily Evans?" He questioned, coming to a stop a few feet in front of me. "I'm afraid I haven't seen her since she disappeared from the library with Severus."

My eyebrows rose. Snape? James was going to have a field day.

I shook my head. "No, sir, I haven't."

"Oh. All right then. I suppose I'll ask Minerva." Just before he waddled off, I decided to be curious for the sake of my friend.

"Professor?" I asked.

He turned around toward me and I cleared my throat.

"Do you know where Lily might have been headed?" I asked.

He shook his head. "No, I don't. If I knew, I'd check there first, Remus."

He chuckled and his double chin wobbled.

I gave him another smile. "Well, thank you anyway."

After saying the password again, I walked through the portrait hole and into the Gryffindor common room.

I went up the stairs and stowed my bag on my bed.

On a last minute decision, I took my cloak off. It was actually too hot out for my long sleeves but…I didn't have a choice anymore .

With one last sigh, I exited my room, descended the staircase and left the Gryffindor common room through the portrait hole.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Ok readers. I owe you all a huge apology. :-/ I've been putting off writing on this story for a long time now. I don't even know WHY I put it off for so long, I just did. Regardless, apology over, this update is a bit short. But let me know what you think in the reviews! :) Thanks for reading! **

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"It took you forever, slowpoke!" James teased me as I re-joined my friends.

I smiled. "That doesn't sound like someone who wants to know who Lily's hanging out with today."

James hesitated, obviously curious. "It's Snivellus isn't it?"

I chuckled and gave a nod.

"Man! I can't stand that guy!" He replied, looking seriously ticked off.

"Are we going into Knockturn Alley or are we going to stand around and listen to you whine?" Sirius asked.

James gave him a shove and Sirius responded by laughing.

We walked a little ways down the grounds until we got to the secret passageway on the side of the castle.

"All right, you go first." James nudged Sirius.

"Chicken." Sirius teased and jumped out of reach as James swatted at him.

Sirius jumped through the secret passage way and slid down a long time before we heard him hit the bottom of the tunnel.

"All right, I'll go next. I need to kick his ass for calling me chicken." James said and jumped through the tunnel.

Peter was next and I followed after him.

The tunnel is long, dark and winding. To be honest, I actually love this secret passageway. It feels like you're never going to stop falling.

It's scary but at the same time relaxing.

I actually closed my eyes as I slid down.

All too soon though, I smelled earth and knew that I was close to the end.

I shifted my weight to the right side, where the tunnel is less curved. It slowed down my sliding.

I came to an easy stop at the end of the tunnel and jumped off, landing on the dirt next to Sirius.

"Speaking of taking forever." He said.

I gave him a shove and looked around. "Where are the others?"

Sirius had his wand out and the tip of it was glowing, spreading a bit of light throughout the small underground passageway.

"They're up ahead. They didn't feel like waiting."

"Sorry." I replied.

He shook his head. "Don't be. I don't mind. I've heard about as much as I can take of James complaining about Snape."

I smiled. "He's got to let that go."

Sirius grinned. "I know."

"Does he ever stop complaining about Snape?" I asked.

"I have no clue." Sirius responded.

I continued to walk forward but after a few minutes, I realized that Sirius was no longer beside me.

I stopped and turned around. "Sirius?"

He was waiting for me.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Listen, I wanted to apologize for verbally attacking you earlier." He shook his head. "I'm not exactly sure what got into me. I guess, I'm just worried about you. You've been so quiet lately. I suppose I let it get to me."

I swallowed. So he had noticed…

"Sirius, I promise you, I'm fine. Now can we catch up with our friends before they start making jokes at our expense?" I asked.

Sirius laughed and gave me a shove. "Sure. Race you."

He put out his wand and raced down the underground hallway. I tore after him and soon ran past him.

I could hear Sirius' laughter as I raced ahead of him.

A smile spread across from my face as I ran faster and faster.

Today might actually turn out to be a good day.


End file.
